


Bucky Come Down

by lovethebees



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Gets a Hug, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Has Panic Attacks, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Depression, Established Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Heavy Angst, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, im gonna go hide and cry in a corner now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:27:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27779851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovethebees/pseuds/lovethebees
Summary: Bucky finds himself on the edge of a rooftop thinking that he will never get past what he had done as The Winter Soldier.Steve finds himself on the same rooftop, praying for Bucky to come down.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 3
Kudos: 39





	Bucky Come Down

**Author's Note:**

> Hi.  
> No, no hello, no joy in here, I'm sad.  
> I'm so emotional and always crying for Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths this work is OBVIOUSLY inspired by the song. If you haven't heard it yet, go now- or maybe use it as soundtrack to read the story. Honestly this is so depressing- I cried so hard.  
> Also I don't know why but I feel like they're in Paris, don't come at me this is just my imagination.  
> Also, and this is the last one I promise, Stucky is real and Endgame never existed.  
> Enjoy and please check the end notes xx

Bucky had never seen such beauty in his whole life, or at least the life he remembered. His eyes had seen many horrors, and his body endured many tortures, but right then, all he could think of was the light gaze of chilly air that hit his cheeks.

He breathed in— a long and nice breath filled his lungs, making him feel alive. He had never felt more alive than right now, standing on the rooftop of some building, looking forward towards the various lights that somehow seemed to sparkle in the evening, and they would’ve caught his attention for a longer time if it wasn’t for the moon.

It wasn’t high in the sky, like he used to remember, it wasn’t surrounded by dark and little, sparkly stars, like the night Steve came to rescue him. It was low, but not too much to be invisible, it was white and shiny, but not fully, a light shade was making it come out as matt, and it was shining right behind him.

At the other side stormed every beautiful color his mind could grasp concept of: there was the light orange, that seemed to make the view a perfect drawing, some spike of pink, sometime obscured by the white and fluffy clouds, he noticed some hints of red, full and flushed hat made him feel that warmth in his chest, and of course purple that was so brushed against the other colors that a non attentive viewer wouldn’t have noticed it.

But not Bucky, he’d been looking at that sunset for a while now, he didn’t know how much but he knew that his knees were lightly shaking, like his hands, and that sometimes his feet brushed over the edge of the rooftop making him lose balance. A sharp, tight feeling would grasp his stomach then and he would’ve stumble backwards, the fear of falling still very much present in his thoughts. He wished for it go away already, just enough to let him do that step; he thought that once he began falling the fear wouldn’t have been a problem.

Sometimes he’d feel something wetting his cheeks and would look up towards the sky, afraid that the last day on this earth for him would be a rainy one, but once he checked the clear clouds that hanged lightly over him, he’d graze his cheeks with his fingers smiling when he realized that the water was coming from his eyes.

Million things were passing in his mind, and at the same time, none. His thoughts seemed to run far away from him every time he tried to grasp at the concept of one, there was only one thing he was avoiding thinking, the only thing that somehow, some time tried to sneak from the back of his head in the middle of his thoughts: Steve.

His mouth was slightly agape, his feet inching forward, his eyes fixated into the beautiful game of colors that sky was gifting him, and for a moment he was clear, his mind finally left him grasp a thought— it would’ve been so nice dying with that pretty view in his mind.

He smiled, spread his arms and took another tentative step towards the edge.

He could feel the tip of his toes grasping at the missing surface, and he realized just then he was barefoot. He smiled, again, the concrete beneath his feet made him chilly, raising up every one of the hair on his legs.

He looked at the sunset again.

He was afraid that his mind was playing tricks on him and that he was in fact wearing shoes, but he was too afraid to look down, conscious of the fact that if he did he would’ve stumbled back again. So he looked straight ahead, the lightly breeze moved him and Bucky heard how it rushed through his hair.

He couldn’t stop smiling.

The feeling of being supported by the wind was amazing, his body weightless against the force of nature, his mind now completely quiet.

He took another small step, he felt the mid of his feet edging off the concrete, he felt his body fall back slightly, to support him, to balance him. His eyes were obscured for a moment and he felt the rain on his cheek again— this time he didn’t look up, the sunset was too pretty.

He breathed in.

He wanted to let only one thought in, the one he’d been denying access to his mind every time, but he was afraid that if he did, if he really granted access to that thought, he would’ve never jumped. So he gulped loudly, shaking away that idea. 

He was ready now.

The sun was getting low, and he didn’t want to die at night.

The air filled his lungs for the last time and it seemed like fire when he hold it in in his chest. 

Bucky closed his eyes.

His mind was rushing again, and he couldn't understand a single thing of what it was trying to say to him. 

The only thing that mattered where the air that brushed his fingertips, the lightly movement of his hair, the cool sensation of his cheeks. 

And finally he grasped a concept, something in his mind became clear— _Steve._

“Bucky!”

Steve rushed from the doorframe, his eyes widening in terror, his hands clenching together, his heart stopped beating for what felt like a minute and all the fatigue he felt when he had to drag his body out of bed because he couldn’t find Bucky next to him completely vanished.

His eyes suddenly drenched with tears, he felt his breath hitch in his throat and he pushed back a scream, afraid just that would’ve thrown Bucky off the roof.

He rushed closer and thought about what to do, how to act, where to go, what to say— but his mind was blank.

“Stay there or I’ll jump!” Bucky stopped.

He didn’t dare looking back, he knew that if he looked at Steve he would’ve either get down from the edge or jump, and he didn’t want Steve to look at him while he took his own life.

Bucky felt his cheeks wet again, and a sharp sight caught up in his throat, the reality of the moment suddenly catching up to him.

“Bucky.” Steve was inching closer, his hands now steading his silent footsteps, it didn’t matter his hair were still wet from the shower he took before getting to bed, and that his bare feet was turning cold as stone, the love of his life was trying to jump off a roof— nothing mattered except that.

Steve felt his breath in his throat again, but gulped loudly.

“Bucky…” This time Bucky left out a sob.

The way Steve said his name, the way he pronounced the words, the way Bucky could feel that the love of his life was crying too.

“I want to jump, Steve.” He whined.

Steve felt his heart shutter into million pieces. Bucky's broken voice was completely undoing him, making him feel tiny— oh, so tiny he thought he travelled back in time and turned back to be the little, tiny Steve before the serum, before the war, before everything.

Bucky was looking at the sun. The light was slowly fading away, he had to do it now.

Steve seemed to feel this, because he took some steps towards Bucky. He climbed the edge of the rooftop, next to Bucky, his legs shaking and trembling with the sensation that he was going to slip.

“What are you doing?” Bucky glanced at him before turning back towards the sun.

Steve gulped down the fear of falling, settling his eyes on Bucky. His loving stare was so tender that even if Bucky wasn’t watching him, he could feel it and sobbed again.

“If you jump, I’m jumping.” Steve’s eyes were filled with tears, he felt his cheeks heat up as the wind caught up at his face.

“I need to do this alone!” Bucky screamed, his fists coming to his eyes, cleaning away the tears on his cheeks. He didn’t know where this was coming from, all that voice, all that rage, but he knew he couldn’t do it with Steve there, and at the same time he knew Steve was going to do everything in his power to not let him do it.

Steve looked at his profile, his eyes didn’t stop for a second to water and his bottom lip shivered as he spoke.

“We made a deal—” He gulped loudly, watching how Bucky’s gaze never left the sun. “Till the end of the line, remember?” Steve left his head fall down, his eyes closing for a moment, because there were too many tears and everything was becoming blurry.

Steve wasn’t playing, he knew that if Bucky really decided to jump, that if Steve couldn’t save him, slipping away from his hands, he _knew_ that he would die with him. But he needed to try and save him first.

Amazingly, Bucky knew Steve wasn’t playing too.

“It hurts too much Steve.” It was an empty admission, not because it wasn’t filled with emotions, but because it was a statement from a dead man walking, the tone of the voice was dead and low, like the one of someone resigned of what will happen.

Bucky sobbed again, his stare so far, far away, like his mind and with his heart he knew he was already jumping off that rooftop.

Steve brushed a hand on his face angrily to relieve his eyes from the tears, he just wanted to get him out of that rooftop, he wanted to throw him inside, where they could talk, but he was afraid that only touching him would've made Bucky jump.

“You don’t have to suffer alone—“ Steve felt a strained sigh in his throat before continuing. “I’m here with you.”

Bucky breathed out as soon as Steve said the words, his heartbeat quickening and the in an out of breaths following the rapid movement of his chest.

“I _need_ to…” Bucky whispered.

Steve watched in horror how his mouth agape, how his red, puffy eyes glanced first at the sunset and then sneaking a peek at him too.

He was slowly coming back to him, but at what price.

“Please, Bucky…” Steve felt his knees weak, it was starting to become difficult standing still. “Please don’t do this…” he whined, closed his eyes and threw his head back while heavy tears streamed down his cheeks, his neck. “I can't live without you" Steve whispered softly, he was breaking inside, he didn’t even feel his heart shuttering at his words because he was beating too hard against his chest. “Please… I love you.” He whimpered, his legs trembling, feeling every muscle in his body tense in anticipation.

Steve’s words hit Bucky so hard that he had to grasp at his sides to stand still, the air filled his lungs but he felt like he couldn’t take as much oxygen as needed. His mind was starting to become a living hell, all the thoughts he had shut down, all the things he didn't want to think of suddenly came back at him.

“I’m not supposed to be here—“ a hiccup made him stop abruptly. “I was supposed to die on those mountains Steve.” His voice sounded so firm, so precise to Steve that all he could do was cry and watch in horror.

“I’m not what they made me, I’m not what they want me to be—“ his eyes settled on the sunset again. “At least I don’t want to anymore.”  
“Bucky…”Steve felt his shoulders sink in him, as he cried. He wanted to crawl back on himself, but all he could do was staring at the sky, praying. “Bucky… Bucky…” He prayed Bucky, not God, he prayed the love of his life to listen to him, he prayed for him to look at him, he prayed for him to get off that roof.

“What I did—“ Steve was calling his name so lightly that Bucky had to physically stop himself from looking at him.

“I cannot live with myself knowing I did those things, Steve.” The way Bucky spoke his name made him shiver.

Steve let out a shaky breath, he waned to speak a very elaborate speech, on why he should not throw away his life, on how he had things to live for, people to live for, million things to see, million things to experience, with him… But all Steve could do was cry.

“Bucky, please. Listen to —” Steve was trying to let the words out of his throat but they seemed to be stuck there, and he had to gulp loudly to continue, that was when Bucky cut him off.

“Just get out of here!” He screamed, his breath catching up again.

The sky was still pretty in front of Bucky, but the sun was getting too low. If he wanted to do something he had to do it now.

Steve was shaking his head vividly next to him.

“I’m not leaving you!” Steve screamed back at him, tears blurred his sight and he had to brush the hands on his eyes to clean them.

“It’s pointless Steve.” His tone was so fair, so emotionless that Steve thought the wind had actually spoken the words.

Steve felt his chest fill with millions of feeling, the ones he did name were Rage and Fear.

“Am I pointless Bucky?” He asked, his eyes now staring at his side. The lights of the sinking sun were shaping his profile, and Steve could see the sparkle of his tears that were dropping on his cheeks.

“You are the only thing that has meaning to me.”Bucky looked at Steve.

It was a mistake, Bucky didn’t intend to do it, but it had come so naturally, so beautifully, that he did. And now, that he was staring right back at him, he could see the hurt behind those eyes. It was his fault— he was hurting Steve all over again.

The sun was setting low, the color were changing, but Bucky didn’t look at it anymore. He thought how ridicule of him to think that the sky was prettier than Steve. He smiled, and even though he was crying Steve did too.

“Don’t you think _this_ is worth fighting for?” Steve gathered some courage when he pressed his hand on Bucky’s chest, feeling his heart beating rapidly.

Bucky had never felt something so real, so tender, so loving as Steve’s hand on his chest. Their sights met again, Steve was still crying, but his lips were pressed together, in a firm line, and the sides where twitching upwards.

“I don’t know if I can fight anymore.” He whispered, powerless.

He felt those raindrops again, on his cheeks, and this time he glanced up. He basked in the feeling of wind for a moment, feeling his breath falling down on his ribcage, the only thing holding him safely to the earth was Steve’s hand.

“Let me fight then.” Steve regained his stance only when he felt Bucky’s body completely give in, leaning into his hand, leaning into him.

He took him by the waist and helped him step down of the edge, falling from exhausting on the concrete of the rooftop.

Steve wasted no time enveloping him in a tight hug, pulling Bucky's body towards him, while he cried softly and curled on his chest.

“I’m here.” Steve was repeating those words like a mantra, circling Bucky's arms with his', shielding him from the wind.

“I’m so sorry.” Bucky whispered, he felt the tears wet Steve’s shirt and his own heartbeat slowing down, their hearts pacing right and strong together as one. 

Steve pressed him again sinking his head low to rest on his scalp. They both didn't know how much time had passed, but when Bucky raised his head he looked at the very slim line of sun that was visible, the sky was getting darker, the colors fading away, and he thought that he failed again.

Steve was looking closely, and tilted his chin up to meet his stare.Bucky had no choice but to look in his eyes. When he did, all he could find was love.

“I’ll fight for you, Bucky.” Steve whispered caressing his cheek. 

A simple kiss was shared between them, as if to honour that promise.

And as the sun completely sank in the thin and far line of the horizon Bucky left his lips whisper the words “I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is a special note for everyone of you who is feeling a little down, so please listen to me:  
> I love you, you are important, you matter, you are valid, you are amazing, you are strong!  
> Always remember that I love all of you, you are all important to me. 
> 
> Kudos and Comments are highly appreciated and welcome, i always check them because it makes me feel warm and fuzzy.  
> Thank you for taking the time to read my piece and please feel free to tell me if there's any grammar mistakes so I can correct them since English isn't my main tongue.  
> Remember to always Love The Bees, peace out //


End file.
